I have often felt like I deal with more tantrums than other parents with toddlers. I have said this so many times and one day I finally found out why. It’s two simple words, but say them to the parent of an Autistic child and watch that familiar look of understanding cross their face. An Autistic meltdown is an animal all its own. It’s not a typical temper tantrum. This is the nightmare of tantrums. These can come on suddenly, with what seems to be no warning. I am here to tell you what an Autistic meltdown is. How can I tell the difference between an Autistic meltdown and a "normal" temper tantrum? How do I stop it?
What is an Autistic meltdown? This is the most misunderstood phenomena in Autism, but it is also the most common. An Autistic meltdown is brought on one of two ways. The first way is the most expected, the child does not get what they want. The second is not so simple. When an Autistic child suffers from some kind of sensory overload (such as sudden bright lights, an offensive odor, or loud noise) it can launch them into a seemingly unexpected tantrum. Often time’s parents or caregivers have no idea what has caused the meltdown and understandably so, they are busy dealing with the outside world as well as keeping track of the needs of their child. Meltdowns are not exclusively suffered by Autistic children, they can also be found in other neurological disorders. Imagine the meltdown of a nuclear reactor, that is what is happening in the mind of the child.
A child in the midst of an Autistic meltdown is caught in a constant cycle of frustration, which feeds the behavior of the tantrum. The stimulation overload enters the child’s senses, the child's brain is unable to cope with the input, the child begins to give cues of discomfort, if no change is made the meltdown occurs. The cue can be as subtle as closing their eyes tightly or as major as pulling away and trying to run off. The cue can be repeated multiple times before a meltdown or may only be given once. Cues vary by child and you must figure out what your individual child's cues are. As a parent the first few meltdowns will be very memorable and highly frustrating. It will almost always happen in a public place. You will feel embarrassed, which may cause you to add to the stimuli already overloading your child. Every parent is guilty of yelling at their child and sometimes children need to hear that stern change of voice to understand what they are doing is wrong. An Autistic child in a meltdown will not hear your words; they will only hear the volume change in the world around them.
Pause here for a moment to consider your feelings while reading that last paragraph. You may have just begun to figure out what your child's cues are. Every parent goes through a phase of trial and error. Children do not come with instruction manuals. Please do not beat yourself up for getting frustrated with your child at times. Understanding what is happening with your child will help extend your patience fuse, but it will not eliminate the eventual feelings of frustration and maybe anger. Take a moment to remove yourself from this situation. You will feel like everyone in the world is staring at you, judging you, and I'm sorry to say they are. Why do you care? You were raised in a world of societal rules and norms. Your child was not. Your child will not understand these unwritten rules and all their exceptions.
As a parent of an Autistic child you will begin a curious transformation, you will find yourself breaking societal rules. It’s a liberating feeling. Why do boys need to only have short hair? Why should I smile at total strangers at the mall? Why do I need to continue this ridiculous small talk in the grocery store checkout line? You will find yourself granting societal norms to people on a limited basis and when you do you will think ‘Wow that was nice of me'. This is not rude. This is not inappropriate. It’s honest. You will not be struck by lightning and the world will continue to turn if you do not cut your son’s hair or smile at a passing stranger. I'm not saying you are going to turn into a complete robot, but you will begin to change.
So how do you tell the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum? That is simple. A tantrum will end when the child is offered what they want. Tantrums in Autistic children do occur and they should not be allowed to get away with any of it. Determine an appropriate punishment and be consistent, just like any parent of a "typically developing" child. A meltdown on the other hand will not end, for any reason and will increase in intensity the longer the child stays in that location. A clue to a meltdown could be its seemingly sudden onset. The child has asked for nothing, is seemingly fine one minute and then, all of a sudden, the world is coming to an end. During a meltdown the child or individual will not look at you for feedback. During a tantrum a child will stop and look to see if they have an audience.
What do you do if your child or Autistic loved one is experiencing a meltdown? Stay as calm as possible. A meltdown is like a seizure. You cannot stop it until it is done. If at all possible and most of the time it is, remove the child from the area. You are not doing this for the peace of mind of others; you are doing this to remove the stimulation that is overloading their system. Get them to a safe environment and let them run through the meltdown. If your loved one is an adult with Autism, you will not be able to physically move or remove them from the area. Instead move items they could hurt themselves on. Allow the meltdown to finish its cycle. Child or adult the outcome is the same; you will both be exhausted from the ordeal.
It is very likely police or security will be called by an onlooker, especially if the meltdown is particularly loud or violent in appearance. Do not physically intervene with any police officer, but articulate to them the child or individual is Autistic and is going through an Autistic meltdown. Advise the officers that restraining the child is physically unsafe for the individual and for themselves. Restraining an Autistic individual requires considerations that I will discuss in a different post, but basically this is due to their anatomy. Remember an Autistic child does not know what they are doing during a meltdown. They will not remember if they have hit you. They will not be able to tell you why you are hurt. The event will be very fresh in your mind, so it will be hard to understand how they can have amnesia of the incident. It is not uncommon for the child to be particularly affectionate after an event like these and it is not uncommon for you to feel less than ready to give affection after these events.
I can tell you that as my son has aged, I have learned his cues, and we are experiencing less meltdowns. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Some parents with moderate to low functioning loved ones teach them to give verbal warnings before the onset of a meltdown. They can feel the changes in their emotions, just like you can, expressing it is difficult. For instance a good verbal warning is: "Help me". This is simple to say, easy to remember, and is easily understood by other people. The verbal warning should be easily understood by others and should not be an odd code word like "panda". If your Autistic child walks up to a police man and says "panda" they will not get the help they need, "help me" elicits a completely different response.
Though you cannot stop an Autistic meltdown, you can try to delay or prevent it. How? Talk to your child. When my son was two he was functioning on the cognitive level of a five year old and was very strong in his vocabulary. I can talk to my son and prepare him for what we are going to do and what he may experience. I can say to him "loud noise" and he knows what to expect. Don't be afraid to say "wow that was loud" or "wow that was bright". Address what they are experiencing so they do not feel alone in the experience. It shows them you understand what they are going through. I may look at you and see you squinting, but an Autistic child does not understand why your face looks scrunched up. Living with Autism almost turns you into a walking comic book strip. You begin to talk out loud a lot about things that invade your senses.
We distract our son with a silly question if he starts to slip into a fussy mood. Aiden usually begins to fuss and becomes visibly disturbed while on his way to a meltdown. We ask "Are you Santa Claus?" or "Is the sky green?" He will usually laugh. Just continue to ask silly questions if you find this works. If your child is drawn to music, try singing to them in a stressful environment. The sound of your voice in a melody maybe enough to distract them, especially if the song is familiar (ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, etc) If your child or loved one is verbal, try getting them to sing with you or count with you. Do anything that engages their mind and forces them to think of something else.
For more information on meltdowns vs tantrums please feel free to read this article: http://www.examiner.com/article/autism-meltdowns-versus-temper-tantrums If you find you are unable to curb the meltdowns, despite your best efforts, and they are frequently occurring, please look into other options. Discuss these concerns with your healthcare professionals. One option is a service dog for Autism. These therapy dogs do exist and are wonderful options for Autistic children. Here is a link to one organization that provides therapy dogs for Autism: http://4pawsforability.org/autism-assistance-dog/ If you already have a family dog and do not want to add another do not fear. Your family pet may be able to act as your child or loved one's therapy dog with training. For more information please look into this link: http://www.autismspeaks.org/resource/service-dog-tutor
Autistic meltdowns are terrible the first time around, but they are inevitable. I hope this helps you understand these meltdowns and to realize there is a real reason for why they occur.
As always if you have questions, please feel free to ask here or on our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/#!/AidensHereos
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