I wanted to take a moment today to have a conversation with you. It's not really Autism related, but I wanted to point something out in the world of parenting and relationships. Yes, despite your loved one having Autism, some of you are parents or behaving as caregivers.
Have you ever noticed, when you devote your life to someone else, you lose your identity? Think about it. When someone asks you to describe yourself, what do you tell them? What is the first thing you say? I always say "Well I'm a mom". Stop. Did I answer the question? No, not really. Describe yourself, WHO are you, not what are you. I am a smart, disciplined, outgoing, funny and strong woman, but is it selfish for me to acknowledge those parts of myself, since I am not putting my kids first?
Society puts such pressure on parents and caregivers. Somehow you love your little ones less when you think of yourself and that is just not true. Couldn't be further from the truth, actually. Think about the first time you met other parents in your kid's class. How did you introduce yourself. "Hi, I'm Aiden's mom." As if you have no other identity on this Earth and your sole purpose is to function as your child's caregiver, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. That is your primary purpose, but it is not your sole purpose. We cave to pressure. What you really have just said is "Hi, I love my kid so much and I don't want you to think I don't, so I'm going to put them first and then smile really hard through my coffee coma, because I am literally so exhausted, but I don't want you to know it because we are all Betty Crocker and Suzie Homemaker and We Can Do It poster material". What in the world is that? Why do I care? Because somehow we have come to value other's opinions first, then our families, then our friends, then our own. Why? How does your perception change when I say "Hi, my name is Sarah and Aiden is my son"?
I have just created my own identity and established that I am my own individual, separate and apart from my child, while maintaining that my son is important to me. Does it come off strong, it might. I have always had a strong personality, so I've had to accept that some people are uncomfortable with that. I have also told you that I am human, separate and apart from my child, and I'd like you to acknowledge that part of me. Ask other parent's for their own names and ask what they do for a living. Help them to think about themselves, you will find that people value being thought of as individuals.
Think about your friends. Do you have "selfish time" friends? Aka, friend that are not at all connected to your child other than through you. The people you spend the most time with are probably those you have met through your child and your friends are the parents of your child's friends. They are good people to have around, but I think you will find that some of them eb and flow. They leave and may come back, depending on the children's relationships. That's ok. It is a natural part of relationships. You are gaining from the relationship, as are they, until one of you is no longer gaining and then the friendship will fade. It's nothing to be sad about, but it is something to expect. Selfish time friends are important, because they care about YOU. They like to go out and have fun with you. So go out to lunch or dinner and have fun. You'll find that they can get your mind onto topics other than your child. Most parents brains are totally consumed with their children. I always find myself talking about my kids to other people. Why is that? Because your kids are literally on your mind ALL the time. And why shouldn't they be? They are people you are responsible for. That's a big undertaking. Sometimes I wonder what I ever talked about before I had kids, until I go out with my "selfish time" friends.
In some ways I find them rejuvenating. Some of them have kids themselves, so they can identify with kid issues, but we have never met their kids and we only keep up with their kids through social media. It is nice to have friends like that. They remind you of who you were before you became a parent or caregiver. You'll see them less after your child is born, and they will understand, but don't lose them.
I know its hard for some of you to find caregivers while you are away. There are a lot programs that are popping up that will allow you a few hours to yourself, ask your care team if they know of any. You need to take a break for yourself. Don't be afraid to maintain an identity as a human being, separate from your child. Don't be afraid to maintain that same thing with your spouse.
It's no secret that Autism puts strain on a marriage or relationship. It drains you both physically, emotionally, and financially. It drives a wedge, don't be afraid to flirt. "Hey there handsome" will make him feel good. "Good morning beautiful" will make her smile, especially in sweatpants and ripped up old shirt. You have to build each other up and what does it really take, but a moment? Contact is so important to human beings. A hug, a simple hug, can lower your heart rate and release endorphins. A gentle touch can break a stress cycle. Hold hands. Something as simple as that can do so much when you're just walking together or arguing about something. It actually forces you to listen to the other person, because it physically reminds you that there is another person there with you.
Adult relations probably take the biggest hit during child rearing for typical parents, so imagine what it does to parents in your situation. I know you are already tired and I know you feel like literally falling over at the end of the day, but make time. Realistically what does it take? 15 more minutes of your time, if your lucky. (That's a joke, ya'll, laugh.) Don't let the love you had for each other before kids, be the only thing expected to make a relationship last. You have to maintain it, just as you need to maintain yourself.
Finding a balance is hard and nothing will ever be 100% balanced all the time. Most of the time life feels like a rat race, therapists, doctors, school, work, it can be overwhelming. I recently had to break that cycle. I was stressed, forgetting appointments, and found myself unwilling to go to the ones I did remember. I have stopped taking Aiden to some of his specialists. We have gotten the answers we need for now and its time to just de-clutter the schedule. Some of you don't have that luxury and I understand that. Try to pick two days in the week, minimum, where you do nothing, it can be a school day since you are not the one in class. You sit at home and watch movies or read books, one of those days, once a month, try to get together with a friend or two. You'll find it helps your peace of mind. Meet your spouse for lunch, if you can, during the week and enjoy a moment together. You'll find it does so much for your state of mind.
Good luck and we hope you have enjoyed this moment. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Have you ever noticed, when you devote your life to someone else, you lose your identity? Think about it. When someone asks you to describe yourself, what do you tell them? What is the first thing you say? I always say "Well I'm a mom". Stop. Did I answer the question? No, not really. Describe yourself, WHO are you, not what are you. I am a smart, disciplined, outgoing, funny and strong woman, but is it selfish for me to acknowledge those parts of myself, since I am not putting my kids first?
Society puts such pressure on parents and caregivers. Somehow you love your little ones less when you think of yourself and that is just not true. Couldn't be further from the truth, actually. Think about the first time you met other parents in your kid's class. How did you introduce yourself. "Hi, I'm Aiden's mom." As if you have no other identity on this Earth and your sole purpose is to function as your child's caregiver, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. That is your primary purpose, but it is not your sole purpose. We cave to pressure. What you really have just said is "Hi, I love my kid so much and I don't want you to think I don't, so I'm going to put them first and then smile really hard through my coffee coma, because I am literally so exhausted, but I don't want you to know it because we are all Betty Crocker and Suzie Homemaker and We Can Do It poster material". What in the world is that? Why do I care? Because somehow we have come to value other's opinions first, then our families, then our friends, then our own. Why? How does your perception change when I say "Hi, my name is Sarah and Aiden is my son"?
I have just created my own identity and established that I am my own individual, separate and apart from my child, while maintaining that my son is important to me. Does it come off strong, it might. I have always had a strong personality, so I've had to accept that some people are uncomfortable with that. I have also told you that I am human, separate and apart from my child, and I'd like you to acknowledge that part of me. Ask other parent's for their own names and ask what they do for a living. Help them to think about themselves, you will find that people value being thought of as individuals.
Think about your friends. Do you have "selfish time" friends? Aka, friend that are not at all connected to your child other than through you. The people you spend the most time with are probably those you have met through your child and your friends are the parents of your child's friends. They are good people to have around, but I think you will find that some of them eb and flow. They leave and may come back, depending on the children's relationships. That's ok. It is a natural part of relationships. You are gaining from the relationship, as are they, until one of you is no longer gaining and then the friendship will fade. It's nothing to be sad about, but it is something to expect. Selfish time friends are important, because they care about YOU. They like to go out and have fun with you. So go out to lunch or dinner and have fun. You'll find that they can get your mind onto topics other than your child. Most parents brains are totally consumed with their children. I always find myself talking about my kids to other people. Why is that? Because your kids are literally on your mind ALL the time. And why shouldn't they be? They are people you are responsible for. That's a big undertaking. Sometimes I wonder what I ever talked about before I had kids, until I go out with my "selfish time" friends.
In some ways I find them rejuvenating. Some of them have kids themselves, so they can identify with kid issues, but we have never met their kids and we only keep up with their kids through social media. It is nice to have friends like that. They remind you of who you were before you became a parent or caregiver. You'll see them less after your child is born, and they will understand, but don't lose them.
I know its hard for some of you to find caregivers while you are away. There are a lot programs that are popping up that will allow you a few hours to yourself, ask your care team if they know of any. You need to take a break for yourself. Don't be afraid to maintain an identity as a human being, separate from your child. Don't be afraid to maintain that same thing with your spouse.
It's no secret that Autism puts strain on a marriage or relationship. It drains you both physically, emotionally, and financially. It drives a wedge, don't be afraid to flirt. "Hey there handsome" will make him feel good. "Good morning beautiful" will make her smile, especially in sweatpants and ripped up old shirt. You have to build each other up and what does it really take, but a moment? Contact is so important to human beings. A hug, a simple hug, can lower your heart rate and release endorphins. A gentle touch can break a stress cycle. Hold hands. Something as simple as that can do so much when you're just walking together or arguing about something. It actually forces you to listen to the other person, because it physically reminds you that there is another person there with you.
Adult relations probably take the biggest hit during child rearing for typical parents, so imagine what it does to parents in your situation. I know you are already tired and I know you feel like literally falling over at the end of the day, but make time. Realistically what does it take? 15 more minutes of your time, if your lucky. (That's a joke, ya'll, laugh.) Don't let the love you had for each other before kids, be the only thing expected to make a relationship last. You have to maintain it, just as you need to maintain yourself.
Finding a balance is hard and nothing will ever be 100% balanced all the time. Most of the time life feels like a rat race, therapists, doctors, school, work, it can be overwhelming. I recently had to break that cycle. I was stressed, forgetting appointments, and found myself unwilling to go to the ones I did remember. I have stopped taking Aiden to some of his specialists. We have gotten the answers we need for now and its time to just de-clutter the schedule. Some of you don't have that luxury and I understand that. Try to pick two days in the week, minimum, where you do nothing, it can be a school day since you are not the one in class. You sit at home and watch movies or read books, one of those days, once a month, try to get together with a friend or two. You'll find it helps your peace of mind. Meet your spouse for lunch, if you can, during the week and enjoy a moment together. You'll find it does so much for your state of mind.
Good luck and we hope you have enjoyed this moment. Thank you for sharing it with us!
